it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
