I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
