I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
