I met the friendliest cop last night
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
