What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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