just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
