Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize