I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
