I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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