thus making me awesome and them whores
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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