This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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