what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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