I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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