i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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