Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
