Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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