omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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