dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
