so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
