Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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