i was born a porn star she said
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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