I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
