anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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