You smell like a Billy Joel song
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
