I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize