you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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