Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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