Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
