There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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