No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
