My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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