Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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