No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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