the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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