I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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