I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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