this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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