I molested 6 butterflies tonight
and you said cock pushups were impossible
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
