see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
