Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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