he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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