How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
