I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize