i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
