I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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