I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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