I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
