He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
