Just fell off a train. Bad.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
