Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize