Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
