i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
