Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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