so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
