YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
