We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
