Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
