Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
