About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
