I will die if light touches me.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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