Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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