mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
