It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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