the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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