: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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